Awareness

Noticing what is happening within and between us.

A friend came to visit recently. She is someone who is there when help is needed, and she has strong ideas about what I ought to do. I told her about a possibility I was exploring. She thought I should stay with what I already had. I explained. She insisted. And I felt myself tighten.

Then I felt myself giving back what she was putting out. I became more insistent. Before long, we were in an “I’m right, you’re wrong” conversation, each of us pushing a little harder to make the other understand.

There is an old demonstration I sometimes use when teaching. I ask someone to hold out a hand, put my palm against theirs, and invite them to push. As they push, I move my hand back. There is nothing firm for them to push against. Then I hold my hand steady, and we can both feel what happens when pressure meets resistance.

I knew that demonstration. I could have remembered it in this conversation. Instead, she pushed and I pushed back. And I can push about harder than anybody.

The interesting part is that I was aware of it. I felt the tightening. I heard the insistence in my own voice. I knew I had the option of smiling and saying thank you, and I didn’t want to. I wanted to be right. There was even a mixed pleasure in it—the pleasure the ego seems to get from a good fight, especially when we are quite sure our cause is righteous.

That belongs in our understanding of awareness. We can notice what we are doing and still want to keep doing it.

In the Way of Flow, Awareness begins with noticing what is actually happening now. That includes the conversation or circumstance, and it includes our participation in it. What is my body doing? What am I feeling? What thoughts are gathering momentum? What do I feel an urge to do?

Sometimes the body gets our attention first: a tightening, a change in breathing, a clenched jaw, a sense of leaning forward

A Moment to Notice

The next time a conversation—or your own self-talk—begins to feel insistent, pause for a moment. Notice where your body is tightening, what you are feeling, and what your mind keeps saying. Is there an urge to argue, explain, fix something, or act immediately?

Let your body settle a little, if it will. The feeling can be present while you notice it. For this moment, there is nothing you have to decide.

You might simply say, “Oh, here I am. This is what’s happening.” Then ask, “How can I be gentle with myself right now?”

If you notice only afterward, begin there.